hi chat its me again
i have an awesome gf and she really likes garfield and i have awesome life and everything is going perfect except for my brain so when i vent dont worry too hard ok
i hurt her today. i told her its pretty cool that shes non verbal bc i can talk to her and listen to streamers so i dont get understimulated but then it sounded rude and she cried a little and i feel awful !!! im such a bad boyfriend. we talked it through and its all good now but i feel so guilty my biggest fear when i got with her was hurting her and it finally happened and i cant stand myself. i dont wanna tell her i feel this guilty bc what if i discourage her from voicing her opinions!! oohhh god this is what they meant by hyperfixation downsides ive been fixated on this streamer on the dl bc i always have people on in the background and the fixation is more on politics in general so he supplies that but now i hurt someone with it. i wish i was NT man. this is her first relationship and shes so vunerable and what if i hurt her. i think i break everything i touch. im gonna jeff the kill myself oh my god im awful!!! aughh i hate this and i cant tell anyone bc id feel awkard venting to mari n corv now bc theyll hate me and shrimp is breaking down over jere and i dont wanna overwhelm august. so now i am back here yayyyy
i shouldve relapsed yesterday i think

i hope to god she doesnt find this

im gonna whine more actually cuz im a bitch baby i cant stand myself guys!!! im horrible!!!!!!!!!!!! this is still way better than how i was before, i was a wreck last time i was here.
i just peeked at my old posts and how didnt i get admitted sooner. It's nice to see this though bc man i am better!! and all the yearning posts for a gf came true i have the best gf everr!! but im also horrible to her and dont deserve her and i should die and uaghh.. oh my god i was feening before i was such a sad person
i really did improve as a person though and my family loves me wow.. waiting was worth it thanks guys... however just cuz my life is better doesnt mean i dont actively make everyone elses lives worse! maybe im leeching their life force..