i feel so goddamn anxious and idk why this fucking sucks
well it probably is the thing but i cant do anything about that why doi have to be nauseated all the time. bleh
apologies for being so edgy yesterday i was just
goin thru it
im probably fine now idk
just updaed the titles of these so it actually shows something on the tab thing
im just so tired

i hope she's willing to go on a walk w me. probably not, shes always tired from school. maybe instead of suicide plans i should make running away plans,,, i just dunno where id go. train hopping is so scary after the story my dad said w his family member. id use a train ticket but im a minor so i cant get it w/o an adults permisson or super vision. ig i could like,, walk at 3am. idk, ill have school in the morning. maybe i will on friday, its not like mari ever comes on fridays anymore, we usually just maybe go out somewhere, and even then.
my dads usually awake though, ill have to go out discreetly. i live in the bumfuck south though, so i doubt ill be safe going out at night. idk, if i die i wanna be in full control if it yk, not some creep who likes kids.
whenever she texts i get so anxious that she hates me and my heart pounds and my legs r weak not even in a fun crush way a lot of the time just in pure fear
texting her is so painful and also fun sighsssssss i prefer textin her to not though
she said i could join them last year.... i wish she didnt lie to my face about being #1 before and never leaving me and all that shit why couldnt she be honest shes such a fucking liar the only reason she doesnt regret getting with me is that she feels no pain from leaving me so she got to have fun and learn and then leave whenever she wanted and im the one who actually,,, feels bad,, and ik she says she does too but shes a fucking liar i dont trust her ass at all
she gets pissed at me when i say i dont believe her that she cares ab me and would care if i died but ofc i dont believe her dont get pissed at me i will never trust you again !!!!!
shes such a fucking liar !!!! i know she loves anyone else more than me just dont lie to me about it !!!! youre such a liar !!!!! i wish i could finally stop loving you like you did !!!!!!!!! get out of my fucking head and let me die without guilt !!! being here is so much worse than being gone !!!! and i know corv wouldnt care much either im sure he's lying as well theyre both liars they both lie !!!! getout of my HEAD LET ME DIE IN PEACE
ok i need 2 do my paper oops....
ig ill do it while listening 2 cancer and being edgy

my dad was right about her losing interest.

im so nauseated.
ok this is dumb to be sad over but wahhh i really do feel like she doesnt care bc like... she used 2 have notifs on and always check and obv i dont want her 2 c every twt post i make bc im edgy and dumb but.... stop saying im important to you when im not !!!! im not damnit !!!! OH NEVERMIND...... OOPS.............. I DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS CHECKING.....