I (slightly) unironically think that if a girl let me suck her tits for like,,, a good few mins it might save my life WHY DO U THINK I KEEP ASKING TO TELL ME IF U MEET SOMEONE WHOS INTERESTED IN SHORT SCRAWNY BOYS !!!!!! also since i cannot post my intrusive thoughts or else marigold will be mad at me i just wont post as much anymore bc i dont wanna make her more upset,, yeah,,,
OH ALSO yeah i hope ill improve by tuesday when im at school i feel oddly better when im here but yeah i hope ill be okay
ok back to me acting on brand, classic randy even; if a girl even like kissed my cheek id survive for like,, one more day at least. the half a week thing i joked ab still stands though, but yeah any feminine attention will probably let me survive the week bc ill know i,, idek but itll be nice i guess,,,, id quite like to get a kiss from a girl. id be so happy, hell maybe even if a boy did too idk man im desperate to feel loved !!!!! but especially a girl...

also im being more lh rn not just bc of the whole thing w mari but bc like,, ive accepted im at least gna attempt (at least) and ill just have to live or die w that yk, it's inevitable. ill just joke about it and be light hearted ab it to cope now
this is stupid but uhm,,, when she was mad at me for posting my intrusive thoughts and saying that im saying the worst shit and i keep treatin her and others like shit and i just,, uhm,,, it kinda confirmed my beliefs that im a horrible person for these thoughts i cannot control and that i do not deserve to,,, have anything good like life. im not blaming her for me being suicidal its just that what she said defiently confirmed it for me that i am a detriment on those that i know and im sick of being one. hell i was even struggling w the thoughts less when she said it and now i want to kms even more than before i am a horrible person. i hope if she reads this she wont blame herself its all my fault it always has been i wish i was good neough to struggle to get over i
idk, i just am a terrible person, at least im super excited for tuesday bc she wont have to put up w my anymore, no one will.
MAN THESE POSTS HAVE SUCH TONAL SHIFTS IM SORRY MAN

yk its probably counter productive to say when im gna kms bc then everyone will be on high alert... oops...... i wonder whatll happen when i finally do start the attempt, like what will the ppl who know do? probably not much, i always think maybe mari will get her mom to drive her to get me out of the shed but like,,, idk i dont think she'd care that much. not out of a malice thing but thats a lot of work and being frineds w me is a lot of work. at least shes freed of that burden yk. idk. ik corv wouldnt be able to do anythn irl, nor would squid probz. tellin my family would make everything worse btw ! ^_^ but yeah i am not trying to paint anyone as bad peoeple here im just adding that disclaimer.

this is dumb but ive been so frusterated that i am never forgiven for my mistakes when i am genuienly going to fucking kill myself in less than a week and me being upset over something that should be perfectly acceptable to be upset over all of a sudden makes me a bad person bc i know i did something wrong too but it doesnt cancel out my feelings man !!! idk the worst part is that i am not even insulting anyone i am just coping w my intrusive thoughts but all of a sudden her acting shitty to me is less bad than what i did when at least i never fucking tricked her into choosing A. or B. without knowing what. they are so i can choose whether she overdoeses or not !! i was 13 or 14 why the fuck did she do that and then when i am literally going to kill myself im a bad person for having fucking THOUGHTS I CANNOT CONTROL OH MY GOD I HATE THIS!!!! NOT EVERYTHING I DO IS ABOUT YOU MY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS CAN BE UNRELATED TO YOU LET ME SHOW MY EMOTIONS AB HOW I FEEL WITHOUT TREATING ME LIKE IM A SHITTY PERSON WHEN THATS THE WHOLEASS REASON I WANT TO KILL MYSELF !!!! DONT FUCKIN LIE TO ME AND SAY "nooo i dont want you to kill yourself and i dont think youre a bad person" AND TREAT ME LIKE THIS YOURE LYING TO ME !!!!!!! idk maybe i wouldnt be convinced ur a liar if u didnt do contradicting shit like this !!! i know youre not one but if this is constantly happening ofc i am going to feel like this !!! i can still feel shitty about this and i can still not trust you unrelated to that event and i can still fuckin say my intrusive thoughts without mmeaning them and not being a bad person but hey thats what you said !!! you said my thoughts dont make a bad person but i guess they do !!!!! idk it feels unfair that i have to add a million *s and disclaimers when im trying to put down my thoughts in a healthy way so i dont explode and die but i guess i am a shitty person for doing that !!!! god i hate this !!!!!! i cant wait to die !!!! this is exhausting !!!!! let me rest please !!!!!! even venting my emotions doesnt help bc it hurts hurts people because i never think about others even though they are the only reason i'm still here !!!!!!! i am going to kill myself the only thing im here for i cant even do right !!! whats the point in any of this !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok i am so anxious that anyone will read this and hate me forever screams
im just so overwhelmed.... i wish i could add her back to the circle but i dont want to be hurt for putting my emotions out when im already ashamed of them yk... idk i want her to be able to be updated on me but i dont think she wants to be either. thats why i doubt she'll actually help me or anything when i do attempt the thing. i know im wrong and stupid but... idk. im so selfish.... idk if im going to kill myself or not honestly, on one hand mari is right ab all the bad shit i do and i am not a good person (she's wrong ab me being one) but on the other killing myself is so much work man.... and ive hyped it up sm idk.... uh back 2 the original topic IF ANYONE KNOWS A DOMINANT WOMAN WHOS LOOKING FOR A SHORT CUTE BOY TELL THEM TO CALL ME !!!!!! OR MEET UP WITH ME PLEASE IM DESPERATE TO FEEL WANTED AND LOVED AGAIN AND GET OVER A CERTAIN SOMEONE PLEASE IM NOT EVEN HORNY IM JUST SAD !! oh who am i kidding if the most beautiful woman in the world wanted to keep me as her spoiled puppy and she'd let me call her mommy id probably say no bc id be thinking about her.... its like a CURSE OR SOMETHING IDK !!! the same thing applies to if a boy wanted me to own him and treat him like a puppy bc id love to do that but then id be like "well i dont wanna betray her (as she has a bf) and ik this wouldnt be as good as being w her..." im so STUPID !!!!!!!
uhhh but yeah idk if i am going to kill myself or not (SORRY FOR THE TONE SHIFT AGAIN) i just do not know what i am going to do idk..... school is saving and ruining my life at the same time this is cray zee
sorry for wanting to kill myself so bad and then never doin it kinda a pussy move from me i know,,, oh also i calmed down from me ranting ab my thoughts and stuff earlier i apologize for that

man this post is so long im sorry about that,, idk i proably will try to and fail if im being honest but at least i made the attempt lol
i really wish i was good enough to struggle being over for i wish i wasnt the only one being affected by being seperated i know you dont love me i know you barely even like me i know that no one ever loves me that is why i am leaving and going to kill myself i know i will never be loved because i dont
deserve it

yk its funny, when i was suicidal i got super edgy but now that im more, secure in me trying ig ?? im so much more calm and at peace, its weird and scary. but nice

mannnn i dont really wanna live im just buggin everyone i know yk,, but i am too tired to kill myself its so much workkkk ahhh at least co2 poisoning is a pretty handsoff death but turning on the grill is so annoying......
i will never be happy