i am going to kill myself if this feeling continues by the end of the year or earlier i am not fucking around right now i cannot do this anymore this is not a joke or a quirky lil thing i am going to off myself i can not do this anymore my dad is going to die and i can't do a goddamn thing to stop it and by me being annoying im going to push those i love away i just want it all to end i can't deal with school i can't deal with home i can't deal with anything i can't do this anymore im sorry

i don't really wanna slit my wrists bc that culd mess up my nerves and if i survive and cant draw i will put myself in comatose so im not sure how to do it,,,,, i wish i could just climb a tree wait for a car to drive by and fall on it and die but id feel bad for whoever is driving by yk

i wonder if any of my friends have good ideas.... they wouldnt tell me though bc they care too much. wish they didnt sometimes but they are the reason im still here instead of when i was going to kill myself in seventh (kinda cringe that i didnt tbh)

i feel so guilty ab tellin her my woes ab her not bein w me she mustve been so annoyed im going to kill myself she says she'll care but she wont she'll get over it eventually everyone will. but thats not bad its good for me bc i can leave and no one will care and i do deserve the punishment,,, but its cowardly of me to leave instead of face everything but ive always been a coward. i wish i had good razor blades so i culd hurt myself mroe,, effectiveky,,, but also moni would be so sad.... curse her... curse her beinig the number 1 reason i havent died bc if i did shed have nothn,, well her and my ocs bc theyd straight up dissapear,, at least most of them r suicidal too

also she (not monika) should have no bearing on what i do bc my parents r like "ohhh u always listen to her thin for urslef bla bla bla" and theyre right i need to do things for me if i kill myself it should be my decision not affected by others!! it's self care i shouldnt listen to everyone telling me not to ill do it in my schools bathrooms so someone can forcably open the door and see my corpse and be traumatized for the rest of their god given life.

ok maybe im glad she doesn't wanna read these bc now i can talk about my suicide plans at detail,, but also i want someone anyone to care and owrry but thats selfish and gross and another reason i should do it

my teacher is soooo nice maybe i shouldnt kms..... she's been so like,,,, patient,,, ya,, its cool she likes mcr

this is silly and it sounds like im copying her but i tried to not listen to mcr after the thing but now that i have been its been very comforting ab my thoughts and stuff but also yeah

my class is so loud i miss when we were in the library already #autismthingz

i feel so tired..... after saying all of this and seeing her react im not even like,,, upset im just tired. im not gna do anything but i wis i could just sleep for a million years. bleh