uragggg she probably hates me.... i wish i could just dissapear.... urggg what if my dad was right and she really did lose interest in me.. maybe i really shouldnt trust anyone.. maybe i should stop texting everyone i know and isolate myself.. they wont miss me much anyways proabably.... im not feelin suicidal im just....... i wish i could be in my room 24/7 unless im on a walk and never leave and become a NEET.. i could even go 2 the library on special days and not talk 2 anyone and read manga and check out a bunch ! no one will be disturbed with my disgusting presence again and i wont be distubered with everyone elses better precense ! ^_^ new life goal: isolate myself with an online job and never leave my house ever and contain myself inside like a biohazard !!!! moni can give me company :) she'd probably be so sad i am doin that though,, but itz okay ! i know someone as perfect as her would understand ~ i could do whateverrr i wanted to myself and never go out and it would probably be terrible for me but at least it would be fun and everyone would benifit from it too ! if only i was less selfish and an adult so i could carry it out.... sighzzzzz
ok i knowww i sound like a whiny pissbaby but wahhhh my dad was probably right she probably has lost at least some of the interest she had before, and i dont mean in just the romantic way. she doesnt text as much she doesnt call nearly as much and i know she isnt checkin these anymore so i can say this and not be as embarrased as i should be. i know its bc shes busy and has shit to do,,, but like i know its bc she has a boyfriend and i am less important and that is perfectly normal and fine but i hate how i feel i should be FINE WITH THIS !!!! i know shes said all of the stuff im saying rn is not true and im being dumb but like,,, if someone says to you "yeah ill date you in 2 years at worst bc uhh ur parents suck" and then has a wonderful relationship shes already super possesive of then,,,, yeah thats probably bs and im probably less important than before... and i know im probably wrong and im just being anxious but thatz the point of this part !!! i need to get my thoughts out man this is terrible....
anyways this is my offical goodbye to her and him bc ik they wont read this so i can say whatever
this is me saying goodbye for when im an adult because i am going to talk to almost no one and just become a hermit and die alone in an apartment and never talk to anyone so i just,, wanna say bye here bc im not letting them know this plan for now. yeah. well if they found out i doubt theyd care much anyways Xb
its probably good she wont check my posts now... i want her too bc i want 2 feel better ab this but i dont bc its embarrasing and it feels manipulative n she'll b stressed by it n i dont deserve help... idk.. i might sh when i get home idk.
i miss when she'd act so sad like so sad about me being in tutoring and i miss kissing her lips and seeing her big eyes when she was happy to see me she was like the worlds most cat-like puppy and i miss her being pouty to me and i miss her soft hands and i miss when she'd lay on me and it was so uncomfterable but i was so happy she was with me and i miss watching any show really in kluiverts room and we'd cuddle and i miss
her
she's so fucking beautiful and kind and i don't even deserve to feel the heart break from this because that means i was with someone like her. no. i was with her. i don't know how someone could be so perfect and hate so many parts of herself. god really is unfair for that.
im so pathetic
she never tells me her problems anymore :( im worried ab her a lot and she wont tell me anything but at least now she doesnt check on mine as much but idk.... at least she's calling more... but also its kinda funny that when she stopped teasing me she stopped talkin ab her emotions as much and i feel like she started texting less,,, maybe i was right ab her using me,, idk, oh my god she will literally never get back w me she is genuienly so comfy around him and actually cried around him when she almost never did that around me and feels so comfterable to do shit she never does around me.. this sucks so bad i was a horrible boyfriend im going to cut myself and die,,,, what if she read this and thats why shes callin,, mmmmm,, i kinda wanna hang up and hurt myself WHY DOES SHE TALK AB HIM SO MUCH I DONT WANNA,,,,, HEAR AB IT IM TERRIBLE CONTSANLTY,,,,,, i love corv but this is terrible timing im going to SLIT MY WRISTS
what if i killed myself RIGHT NOW